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AndyQuest I: Groundhog Ga-Ga!

24 Jun

 (originally posted on Myspace.com)

A true story… 

AndyQuest I

©2007, 978Musik Enterprises

written by a.k.a. Andrew

with apologies to Infocom

 

Your Bedroom

You are sitting in your bedroom, in your apartment in Brighton.  There is a computer here.  In front of the computer, there is a mixer and a microphone. There is a guitar here, on a guitar stand.  There is also a bed, which you are sitting on, and a black courier bag.  The black courier bag seems to be closed.  On the nightstand, there is a clock.

 

What would you like to do?

 

>EXAMINE CLOCK

The red numbers on the clock say 6:30.

 

>GET UP

What do you want to get up?

 

>STAND UP

What do you want to stand up?

 

>STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS

What do you want to… oh, I get it.  That’s quite clever, adventurer.  Just because I am a non-sentient, mass-produced husk of silica doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the genius of Bob Marley.  Have you heard his live version of “Redemption Song?” It’s quite good…

 

>STAND UP

Very well then.

You are now standing up.

 

>OPEN COURIER BAG

The courier bag contains a script.

 

>EXAMINE SCRIPT

The script is for a show you foolheartedly agreed to perform in, last minute, called “David: The Musical.”  It’s a very similar show to “Jesus Christ, Superstar”, except that it’s about the life of King David.  Looking at the script reminds you that you have rehearsal in-oh, a half hour.

 

>COMPUTER, WHERE IS REHEARSAL?

The computer replies “oh, about a half hour away.”

 

>CLOSE BAG

Closed.

 

>GET BAG

Taken.

 

>W

Hallway

This is your hallway.  It is quite dusty, and in need of sweeping.  There are doors to the south, northwest, northeast, and east.  The hallway runs north and south. 

There is an old piece of cereal here.

 

>TURN OFF DESCRIPTIONS

Fine, fend for yourself.

 

>N

Kitchen

 

>E

Entry way

 

>OPEN DOOR

The door is open.

 

>U

Commonwealth Ave

There is an old Russian couple here, arguing loudly about beets or something.

 

>CLOSE DOOR

The front door is closed.

 

>CROSS STREET

Washington St. Station

 

>CROSS STREET

The…uh… Other Side of Commonwealth Ave.

 

>E

Washington St., near the Hospital

Your Dodge Neon is parked here.

 

>UNLOCK CAR

Unlocked.

 

>TURN ON DESCRIPTIONS

Maximum verbosity.


Washington St., near the Hospital

You are standing on the sidewalk on Washington St., near the entrance to St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center.  There is a road to the north, and Washington St. itself continues east from here. 

 

>EXAMINE HOSPITAL

The hospital is full of nuns.

 

>GET IN CAR

(opening the car door first)

Dodge Neon (in the drivers seat)

This is your car.  Like most of the other things in your life, it requires vacuuming. 

Today, however, it has a fun new smell.

 

>SMELL CAR

The car smells like Old Man stench.

 

>EXAMINE OLD MAN

You can’t see any “old man” here.

 

>START CAR

(with key)

You start the car.  From out of the air vents comes the most horrendous odor you have ever smelled.

 

>WHAT THE HELL?

Please rephrase your question.  For instance, you could say: “ASK THE CAR WHAT THE HELL?” or “CAR, TELL ME ABOUT THE HELL.”

 

>NEVER MIND

That sentence isn’t one I recognize!

 

>DRIVE CAR TOWARDS REHEARSAL

Storrow Drive (in a car)

You are on Storrow Drive, on your way to rehearsal. 

The odor now has strong hints of barbecue.

 

>EXAMINE INTERIOR OF CAR FOR FIRE

As soon as you bend down to look to see if, for instance, your floor mat has decided to self-immolate, the car in front of you miraculously moves.  A nanosecond later, the man in the car behind you honks loudly.>>

 

DRIVE CAR TOWARDS REHEARSAL

Route 1 (in a car)

You are on Route 1, on your way to rehearsal.

The odor is becoming particularly nasty.  You are finding it hard to breathe.

 

>ROLL DOWN WINDOW

Which window do you mean, the driver’s side window that you are right next to, or some other window for some reason.

 

>DRIVERS SIDE

The window is now down.

 

>DRIVE CAR TOWARDS REHEARSAL

Revere (in a car)

You are now in Revere.  Would you like to save? Type Y or N

 

>Y

Saved.

 

>STOP CAR

You bring the car to a stop.

 

>ROLL UP WINDOW

The window is now up.

 

>POP HOOD

Popped.

 

>GET OUT

 

Revere (on the street)

You are now in Revere, parked near the church hall where rehearsal is being held this evening. 

 

>OPEN HOOD

Opening the hood reveals a dead groundhog.

 

>SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE BITCH

Screamed.

 

>SAY “JESUS CHRIST!”

Said.

 

>LOOK

You are still near a church.

 

>APOLOGIZE

To whom would you like to apologize?  To the small children coming out of the church with their mother, to the local priest who is frowning at you, or to the groundhog you just roasted on the hood of your engine, you murderer?

 

>APOLOGIZE TO ALL

Children: apologized to.

Mother: apologized to.

Priest: apologized to.

Groundhog: apologized to. Not like it makes a whit of difference.

(your score just went up!)

 

>CLOSE HOOD

The hood is now closed.

 

>N

Church Hall

This is the hall of some church or other with “Immaculate” in its name.  This is where tonight’s rehearsal for “David: The Musical” will be held.  It’s actually more of a gymnasium, and is full of delightfully chipper cartoon pictures of children “doing their best” and “lending a hand.” 

Standing here are Sylvine, the stage manager, Michelle, the director, and Bobby and John, two of the actors.  Despite Michelle’s order to arrive at =””>7pm, these seem to be the only people here.

 

>EXAMINE SYLVINE

Sylvine is pacing about, looking for things that need doing.  She is French, but does not wear a beret.

 

>SYLVINE, WHERE CAN I FIND A TRASH BAG?

“Whay?  What deed ‘oo do theees time?”

 

>TELL SYLVINE ABOUT THE GROUNDHOG

“Sacre bleu!”  Sylvine hands you a trashbag.

(Your score just went up!)

 

>S

Revere, near your car.

There is a tree here I totally forgot to tell you about.

 

=””>>EXAMINE TREE

You see nothing special about the tree.  Under the tree, there is a stick.

 

>GET STICK

Taken

 

>OPEN HOOD

Opening the hood reveals a groundhog.

 

>POKE GROUNDHOG WITH STICK

The groundhog is stiff.

 

>EXAMINE GROUNDHOG

It’s dead, you idiot.

 

>POKE GROUNDHOG WITH STICK

As you poke the groundhog with the stick, a young woman walks by.  She is very cute, and wears a very flattering dress.  You would like to get to know her better.

She stops, when she sees what you’re doing. “Oh my GOD, what IS that?” 

(your score just went down)

 

>OPEN TRASHBAG

Opened.

 

>FLIP GROUNDHOG INTO TRASHBAG WITH STICK

The groundhog refuses to move, as his fuzzy wuzzy widdle paws have been fused to your engine by the extreme heat. 

 

>POKE GROUNDHOG WITH STICK

Haven’t you done enough damage?

Sylvine comes out of the church hall.  “Ooh, I need to see theees!”  She looks under your hood and makes a gurgling noise.  She offers to hold the trash bag for you.

 

>GIVE SYLVINE THE TRASH BAG

Sylvine takes the trash bag from you.

 

>FLIP GROUNDHOG INTO BAG WITH STICK

With great effort, you manage to unstick the adorable little rodent corpse from its makeshift crematorium and flop it, unceremoniously, into a Glad bag.  “Well, that was deeesgusting,” says Sylvine.

 

>AGREE WITH SYLVINE

Agreed.

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Posted by on June 24, 2007 in andyquest, self-deprecation

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

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