1568 XXXXXXXX Ave
Objective: To be hired for a full-time position in the media/entertainment industry. Failing that, to score a cushy office job that allows me to roll in fifteen minutes late, spend the day updating my MySpace site and watching stuff on YouTube. I would also like one of those rolly chairs.
Salary requirements: Enough to pay off my credit card and purchase a Wii.
A Major Local Rock Radio Station
Part-time DJ/”On-Air Announcer”
I am currently employed at WXXX the RXXk of BXsXXn, as a “Disc Jockey.”
No, wait – hear me out.
I’ll bet that roughly half of you are saying “A disc jockey?? A DISC JOCKEY?!?!”, and laughing haughtily, which causes your sycophantic assistants to laugh haughtily, and then you’re leaning back in your big leather executive chair and reaching for a cigar from your humidor, which was probably made from the shell of an endangered sea turtle, and setting fire to my resume and lighting your Montecristo no. 2 and laughing and laughing and your assistants are laughing and then you probably say something stupid like “oh yeah? Well, ‘Disco Inferno,’ baby! Haw haw..” and your stupid assistants are laughing even harder, except one guy in the back who’s having a coughing fit because you won’t even crack a window and he has asthma and you fire him. I’m assuming.
The other half of you are thinking “Wow, why would anyone ever want to leave that job?” And, granted, it is a ridiculously cool job. I come in on weekends, I play some tunes, I babble into a microphone, and that’s pretty much it. Sometimes, I get to have my picture taken with rock stars, which I make into Christmas cards. “Rob Zombie and I Wish You A Merry Christmas,” the cards say, and my grandmother weeps fitfully into her eggnog.
However, there are several reasons I can think of why I would like to find some other kind of employment. There’s the “part-time” reason, and there’s the “I come in whenever they tell me to so I haven’t had a regular bedtime in years and it’s making me moody” reason. Oh, and then there’s my stalker, although considering my lack of money, odd hours, and sleep-deprived moodiness, she’s probably the closest thing I have to a friend.
This job, however, did provide me with several valuable bullet points:
– Gained experience in public relations by feigning excitement for the latest song by Generic Angry Band 126.
– During late night radio shifts, developed relationships within the Drunken Frat Boy, Lonely Gas Station Attendant, and Schizophrenic communities.
– Achieved goals and implemented strategies.
– Learned valuable negotiation skills by getting girls to go out with me if I promised them free concert tickets.
September – December 2005
BXXXXXXX Middle School
Director, “The Wiz”
I was the director of a Middle School production of “The Wiz,” in a small town in Central Massachusetts. My experience taught me to value diversity (i.e. “How do you cast ‘The Wiz’ in a town where there’s only one black kid and she was sick the night of auditions?”) and to develop strategies for the future (i.e. “not directing Middle School students.”)
Summer of 1999 and 2000, then a little bit in 2001, and then pretty solidly from 2001-2005, and yes that overlaps with my other jobs and it’s non-consecutive and there’s no way to write that in a resume but for heaven’s sake, people…
National Park Service
– Wore the silly hat.
– Developed valuable think-on-your-feet skills when asked questions about historic sites I had not yet committed to memory, such as “Who lived here?” and “Where’s the bathroom?”
– Yes, I still have the hat.
– Achieved strategies and implemented goals.
– No, I’m not going to wear the hat for you.
University of Maine
Class of ’01, more or less
B.A in Theater (Directing)/Mass. Communications
At UMO, I learned many valuable words like “Brechtian” and “female gaze,” which I occasionally drop into conversation to make myself look cool in front of Cambridge coffee shop types. On several occasions, I attended class. I learned self-reliance and self-determination by breaking my foot in January and crutching my way around campus through two feet of ice, and learned that I would never be a good actor until I stopped being so self-conscious, thus becoming self-conscious about my self-consciousness.
I make excellent French toast.
– 1,000,000th visitor to several prominent websites.
– Nobel Peace Prize (pending)
– “#1 Grandson” award, won annually until I started cavorting about with those rock and roll people.
References available upon request.