please, someone declare War on Christmas already…

13 Dec

Saw this on Wonkette’s blog, and immediately wished I hadn’t:

Yep, it’s the “12 Days Of Christmas: Election 2008 Edition,” brought to you by the National Republican Senatorial Committee, and their Singing Republicettes. There are several problems with this video. One is that none of these women can sing. Another is that none of these women can sing. It is also yet another “funny” version of “The 12 Days Of Christmas,” because you can never have enough of those.

This song is a Grade-A prime cut example of what I like to call “Haw Haw Humor.” See, most humor is based in truth. Haw Haw Humor, on the other hand, is based around catchphrases that don’t really mean anything. Bad Austin Powers or Borat impressions are Haw Haw Humor. During the early ’90s, when David Letterman was using “Buttafulco” as a punch line for every single joke he made, that was Haw Haw Humor too, although I’ll cut Dave some slack here because “Buttafulco” is an extremely funny word.

Most Conservative humor, I’ve noticed, also tends to be Haw Haw Humor too. As in:

Person A: “Hillary taxes gay marriage Massachusetts Hillary!”

Person B: “Haw haw!”

I don’t know why this is. Conservatives can be funny. PJ O’Rourke is funny. Dennis Miller is occasionally funny. And yet, it seems like whenever Republicans try to do satire, you either get…. “The 12 Days Of Christmas: Election 2008 Edition,” or that craptastic Daily Show rip-off on Fox.

So, here’s my point-by-point, “day-by-day” analysis of why this song sucks. You should know that I sat through this whole damn song so you wouldn’t have to, so the least you could do is click the “Read more…” link.

Day One: A Tax Hike For Every Family. Er… no, unless by “every family” you mean “every family who makes over a million a year.” Some would say that the Democratic plan unfairly targets rich folks, which is a valid point and one worthy of satire. However, “every family” would not receive a tax increase. Your family probably wouldn’t, unless your last name is Hilton or Gates.

Day Two: Two Liberal Udalls. Two Liberal whatnow? Oh, you mean Mark Udall, Congressman and Senatorial candidate from Colorado and Tom Udall, Congressman and Senatorial candidate from New Mexico. Ha ha, those guys. Seriously, as Dave J. commented on Wonkette’s site:

“Two Liberal Udalls” will make no sense to about 98% of the population. Unless you are following the 2008 elections really closely at this point AND you live in either Utah, Colorado, or New Mexico, the name Udall means nothing to you. And yet they chose to make that the focal point of the song. Well played, NRSC.

Day Three: “Al Franken ranting.” Al Franken, Air America radio host and former Saturday Night Live writer/performer, doesn’t “rant” per say. He can be snide, snarky, and kvetchy, but he doesn’t really “rant.” To “rant” is to go on and on in a heated manner without pause, and Franken’s style is slightly too sarcastic and dry to be considered ranting. Michael Savage rants. Jaenane Garofalo rants. Al Franken doesn’t rant. He says things that neo-cons don’t agree with, which I guess could be misconstrued as ranting if you’re emotionally retarded.

Day Four: “Four Bucks a Gallon.” All right, then. Average price of gas during the last year of the Clinton administration: $1.52/gallon. Average price of gas this week: $3.03/gallon. We are now paying twice as much under the “conservatives” as we did under those wacky liberals, thanks in part to this administrations reluctance to invest in science, but mostly due to their foreign policy. Oh, NRSC, the kettle called and left a message. Apparently, you’re black.

Day Five: “Hillary’s Woodstock Museum.” Haw haw. The only reason this is an issue is because John McCain thought he could score one over Hillary by bringing up what he was doing during Vietnam vs. what she was doing, because old people still give a shit about that.

Day Six: “Six troop funding cuts.” Well, you got me there, NRSC, because this whole time the Democrats have been making our troops pay for their own armor, cutting veterans’ benefits, making them stay in the field for twice as long as they should be, starting unnecessary wars without end, denying proper health care, and stretching the armed forces so thin that there’s no one to help out back home in a natural disaster. Oh, wait, no, sorry, that was all you. Moving on.

Day Seven: “$700 million in new spending.” Sigh. Okay. Balanced budget, functional government at the end of the Clinton years. Record deficits and dysfunctional government all through the Bush years. Really, shut up.

Day Eight: “No more secret ballots.” Wha-wha-huh? Again, nobody knows what this is referring to but you, so satirically, it’s a bit of a non-starter. However, if you want to talk corrupt elections, let’s start with Florida in 2000 and then let’s move onto Ohio in 2004. I’d “get over it,” but when you find out your country’s elections are just as corrupt as the ones held by countries we consider enemies, it kinda leaves a scar.

Day Nine: “Ninety thousand freezing.” Again, this is very inside baseball stuff that not many people know about. However – and I gotta hand it to you, here, NRSC – this one’s almost funny, because it’s based on fact. Rep. William Jefferson, Democrat from Louisiana was caught with $90,000 hidden in his freezer after being caught taking a bribe. So, okay, score one for you. However, it should be noted that a Republican congressman named Mark Foley, who spent years crusading against the exploitation of children on the internet, was caught… um… exploiting children on the internet. Rep. Jefferson looks like St. Francis of Assisi in comparison.

Day Ten: “Ten paychecks burning”. This is, again, a reference to the crazy idea that the Democrats want to raise your taxes. Again, the Democrats only want to raise the taxes on rich people. Because they’re so… ooh… rich. What with their money and all. We hate ’em.

Day Eleven: “Eleven percent approval.” Um, again, good point there. The House and Senate , both with a Democratic majority, currently boast the lowest approval rating in history. However, the reason it’s so low isn’t particularly flattering to the GOP, either. See, most people voted for the Democrats this time around because they wanted someone to stand up to the power-bloated, out-of-touch, war-mongering Republicans. The current crop of Dems in Congress, however, are so afraid of being called “weak on defense” that they’re letting the President and his buddies get away with whatever they want. In other words, people don’t hate Congress because they’re Democrats, people hate Congress because they’re Democrats who are acting like Republicans. Making fun of the Democrats for this is like The Killers dissing The Bravery for ripping off Depeche Mode.

Day Twelve: “Twelve Senators failing” Yes, there are twelve Democratic senators up for re-election in 2008. Most of them have a pretty strong chance of being re-elected, so this is a pretty big “what if” on the part of the NRSC. It’s also, let’s be fair here, satire on the level of “hey, wouldn’t it be rad if the school burned down? ha ha, no more homework!”, and thus serves as a truly lame way to end a truly lame song.

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Posted by on December 13, 2007 in history, politics, War on Xmas!, youtube


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