rnc, day III: hockey moms uber alles

04 Sep

I’ll say this about our Miss Palin:  she’s good with the zingers.   She got Sen. Obama just where we thought they’d get him – on the stadium rally thing – and after saying things like “after the lights have gone down and the crowd has left, and those styrofoam columns have been taken back to some studio backlot,” you almost expected the Republican throngs to make that “woo! woo!” noise from the Arsenio Hall show.  At the very least, the cameras could have cut to Phyllis Schlafely mouthing “Oh no she di’int!”  The crowd was pumpin’, as much as Republicans can be pumpin’, I suppose.

Unfortunately, she’s full of shite.   Really full of shite.

I mean that with all due respect and honor, by the way.  Were she a Democrat, and her acceptance speech at the DNC had been nothing but a wittily delivered list of Michael Moore gripes, I’d say the exact same thing.  Wonkette said: “we have never seen such an ugly combination of dimwit “Meet my kids!” and pissy talk-radio talking points,” and as usual, they’re totally right.

On the Toucher & Rich Show, on WBCN (full disclosure: I’m a DJ at WBCN on the weekends), Fred said something today that hit the nail on the head.  In the middle of a big, long rant about last night at the RNC, he said “At times, it felt like I was watching the Comedy Central Roast of Barack Obama!”

If you missed Palin’s speech, this is all you need to know: she made fun of Sen. Obama for being a community organizer.


The “party that ain’t no bunch o’ damn elitists” made fun of the Democratic nominee for President because, after graduating from Harvard Law, he went to Chicago to help poor people in the ghetto instead of taking a job with some big law firm.  Helping people is for pussies.

::sigh:: Okay, so maybe it’s unfair to rag on Gov. Palin because she’s got a messed up family, although, were I a less fair person, I would no doubt say something along the lines of “looks like that abstinence-only policy’s really workin’ out for you guys.”  But no.  I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I’m going to rag on Gov. Palin because she’s a mean-spirited book-burning moose-tipping fascist.   I’m going to call her out on being this year’s Dan Quayle.  And I’m going to do these things not because I hate her, but because I swear to God she’s being used in another weird little Karl Rovian judo move – pick a VP nominee who’s a complete unknown with little to no practical experience.  Make sure her personal life is slightly quirky at best.  Then wait until the Democrats start saying “wait a minute, you guys are dumb,” and then attack them for being mean to a girl.

People love her, though.  She’s totally going to help McCain, but she’ll only help him as far as Election Day.  As Walter Shapiro puts it:

Palin is unquestionably the Republican vice-presidential nominee least likely to be confused with Dick Cheney, in either a duck blind or the Situation Room. Even as an angry “hockey mom,” it is impossible to imagine her browbeating CIA analysts to concoct new rationales for invading Iraq. It seems equally implausible that in a McCain-Palin administration, the vice president’s office would be an outside-the-law power center running its own foreign policy. Palin is not a traditional vice-presidential nominee, but if elected she is apt to mark a return to a modest conception of the office that had been the butt of jokes for nearly two centuries.

Like it or not, Cheney (and to some degree Al Gore before him) turned the Vice-Presidency into something workable.   Cheney, evil as he may be, did (and does) have a certain cred when it comes to the miltary-industrial power complex and international sneakiness, both of which are things that any President would just as well not dirty his hands with.  Gore had the environment, and some sort of trouble with Chinese businessmen that I never understood.  Like Sarah Palin herself has said, I’m not sure exactly what she’d do as Vice President.  If this Russia-Georgia thing turns into, you know, a thing, does her experience as Governor of a state that’s a mere polar bear’s whisker away from the eastern-most tip of Siberia make her an expert on US-Russian relations, or not?  One would assume she’s argued with them about ports and stuff.

By the way, the “mere polar bear’s whisker away from the eastern-most tip of Siberia” line was totally lifted from Berke “Bloom County” Breathed.  I hope he doesn’t mind.

So, I’m sure other things happened last night, but that’s all I’ve got for ya.  Gov. Palin was such a poor choice for a running mate, and the worst thing is, if we keep talking about how bad a choice she was, we only make her stronger, like she’s the Blob or something.  It’s like, I tell you the emperor has no clothes, and the emperor turns around and sues me for sexual harrasment.


::double sigh::

I’m gonna go play Rock Band with my friends now.


Posted by on September 4, 2008 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “rnc, day III: hockey moms uber alles

  1. Lauryn

    September 4, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Now now Andy….moose-tipping? That’s a step too far.

    Moose-kicking, maybe….but tipping? No no.

    By the by….what do you think the odds are that Tina Fey will do a special guest spot on SNL as Gov. Palin when the show returns? I’d say pretty darn high.


  2. Ayelle

    September 4, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    There was no part of this post that was not awesome. But I think I may go cry a little bit now. *sigh*


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